Romancing the Authors Week: The Hickmans on Finally Getting it Right

Next week chat with authors from down South about how life as a Southerner--whether born or transplanted--has affected their life and faith!


Today’s a very special day. It’s my first time to invite as my guest my dearest Beloved, my Babe, my hubby Pastor Randall Hickman. Randy is the Lead Pastor of Stonehill Community Church, serving the NC communities of North Charlotte and Lake Norman. We planted Stonehill nearly a decade ago. Since its beginning we’ve witnessed many miracles. We took our three children around in Lake Norman, knocking on doors and started our church with new converts. We invited 33 people to serve the Lord that first year. But we’ve also known tragedy, when in 2001, our daughter Jessica was taken suddenly in a car accident.

Randy and I have been married going on thirty-one years. Our two sons are both studying the arts in college, are scholars, and both of them serve Christ wholeheartedly. But before our husband and wife ministry endeavors, we were a couple called out of darkness into the awesome light of Christ. So we’ve painfully and joyfully known the highs and lows of being in love.

RANDY: I like to think more about those high-high’sJ

PATTY: Yes you do. You’re the most optimistic person I know. Which is why I feel it’s my place to balance that out with practical crabbiness. Babe, you’ve married a lot of couples in your years as a minister. This week, my friends and guest authors have shared about the highs and lows of being in love, and have offered the woman’s viewpoint. To balance that out, I’d like ask you, what advice do you like to give new husbands at the starting gate of a marriage commitment?

RANDY: I like to start with the marriage vows. As for me, I was more interested in the honeymoon’s activities than paying attention to my responsibilities and commitments as a new husband. I had no real concept of what it meant to love, honor and cherish and certainly no idea of how I would fulfill the vows I was making. I have been impressed with young couples who seek out mentors to help them through the first years of marriage. I wonder now how differently our first years would have turned out had I, along with all the passion, also had a mentor to go to for help.

PATTY: Yes, we like to tell other couples that it’s a sign of maturity to ask for help. For me, the biggest turning point in our marriage was when you came home from work one day when you were on the staff at NASA. Do you remember that?

RANDY: Sure, I cried for three days…more tears in a couple of days than in my entire life. I could only pick up one radio station in my basement office and every day at noon the show host would read a page from a book written by a missionary. One day he retold a story about missionary Charles Greenaway. Greenaway’s story arrested me… a selfless life, losing his entire family on the mission field while still keeping the faith. I saw my life flash before my eyes and realized how “about me” my life had been. By the time I stopped crying I knew that my life had to be about something bigger than me and my little world. As you know, I was able to meet Rev. Greenaway a few years later. It was such a privilege.

PATTY: Yes, it was an iconic moment. From my side of your story I remember how contrite you were. I had nearly given up praying for you and for us. I realized how hard-hearted I had grown. My pride over “your sinful condition” was just as toxic to our relationship as your indifference to God. I harbored bitterness, pride, and resentment and was in desperate need of God’s forgiveness too. Pride is just as blinding as apathy. Your newly broken state brought me to my knees. But I was so thankful that God was restoring us. We were on the verge of a break-up back then. From that point on you came home and established a family altar. We were so radically turned on to Christ, we got rid of the TV for seven years. Our evenings were spent praying, reading the Bible, reading books aloud, playing games together. Our kids loved it and they loved their “new” dad and mom. Those were some of the most blessed years of our marriage. Life became nearly effortless, doors opening, miracles walking right up to our door. We had embarked on a new adventure—that of saying “yes” to anything that God wanted for us.

I remember early in our marriage, though, how I came slowly awake to the fact that you had only adopted a faith from your family. You had not surrendered to the Christ they served. And coming from a family where my mom had been married three times, I had no inner guide for anything except survival mode. I would get up at night and pray in the babies’ bedroom. They would stand up in their cribs and I would say, “Let’s pray for Daddy.” I remember Josh, who’s now twenty-nine, dropping to his knees and putting his face to the mattress and praying in his sweet toddler voice for you. I prayed for nine years before this turn-around.

For wives who continue to pray that their husbands will take on the “shared yoke” of the family priesthood, how would you encourage them?

RANDY: For me it was all about grace--unmerited favor. You gave me the “benefit of the doubt” that when I said that I was going to begin taking the spiritual lead, you stepped back and let me go—even though I knew nothing about the Bible. Though I had never done anything to prove I could be the spiritual head of the family, knowing you believed in me gave me the will and confidence to try.

PATTY: Yes, but I was arrogant having only a small knowledge about the real truths of God’s Word. We both had to become students of the Word. Even our past church teaching wasn’t enough. We had to pursue maturity. In my novel, Painted Dresses, it's a story of painted over lives. We probably looked like a stable couple to the outside world. But it's that tendency to paint over, something I learned from childhood, that leaves us withdrawing from God what he's already seeing anyway.

RANDY: In our counseling sessions now, I often hear women who have had to fill the role of spiritual leader in the home confess how difficult it is to “loosen the grip” and cooperate with their husbands in a transition of power, so to speak. However, what we’ve seen in the past is that until the wife finally let’s go, the husband never really assumes the role God intended for him to take.

PATTY: It’s that shared mutuality that Paul told the Philippians about. We had to learn to live like soldiers, back-to-back, protecting each other while resisting the enemy. In that situation, we ladies are afraid to fully trust. But it’s such a testament to the husband to see the wife’s example of full surrender to God in practice. We have to trust that there will be benefits beyond our wildest imaginations. And, yes, even benefits to intimacy. What I found as a wife was that our intimacy grew deeper after your surrender to God. I think that some men think that they’re love life is enhanced by unhealthy practices like viewing porn. It’s just another lie of the enemy. You often speak to men about unhealthy addictions and how damaging they are to a couple’s love life. That in mind, why is it that a man who surrenders to Christ suddenly finds his mate more responsive?

RANDY: I can remember the day when my lust turned to love. In the beginning, I don’t think I really knew the difference. (You’re just sending this letter to a friend, right?)

PATTY: Sure, Babe. Only one person will read this. =D

RANDY: Many men, like me, were introduced to porn at an early age. Growing up in a culture where the “s” word was not spoken, we were only informed by the photos we had seen and the “great advice” we got in locker rooms at school.

Take all that “toxic knowledge” into the marriage bed and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Pre-marital counseling, which most couples don’t receive, should encourage a couple to talk about what the other is looking for in all areas of marriage including their sex lives. Disaster happens when we leave something as important as intimacy up to locker room chatter and dirty books. And now the accessibility includes Internet play lands for adults and teens. Porn has taken on an incremental danger compared to when we were children.

I’m not saying that women never respond to lust, I’m just saying that “responding to love” seems to have a much better “shelf-life”.

PATTY: If I may interject, the bitterness that comes from that type of oppression simmers until it one day spills over in a big toxic wasteland of emptiness. The wife wakes up one day, fed up, used up, and desperate to fill the void left behind by empty intimacy instead of Christ-honoring love.

RANDY: But I will tell you this…as your husband I am committed to trying this “love thing” over and over and over, till we get it right. You could call it a sacrifice for love.

PATTY: You are so funny. But this has been very courageous of you, Babe. And I want to thank you for sitting in a place in cyberspace highly inhabited by ladies. I know this was a sacrifice of your chaotic schedule to do this.

RANDY: I hope it’s helped.

PATTY: I’m confident that it has. Tomorrow, we’ll chat with two novelists who also happen to be married. Stephen and Janet Bly will share their story of how one romantic get-away dissolved into the shock of a diagnosis that no couple ever wants to hear.

Remember that your posts are entered each day this week in a Romancing the Authors Book Give-Away on Friday following our Mystery Guest Friday Special Valentine’s Day chat.

I pray that your love life has been greatly blessed by the authenticity of those who’ve gone on ahead and learned from their mistakes the joy of surrender to Christ who sets us free.

Romancing the Authors Week Welcomes Romance Editor and Author Karen Ball!!

Today on Words to Go, I’ll be chatting with an author friend who I’ve known longer than almost any author in Christian publishing. Karen Ball and I first met at author Gil Morris’s house in Baton Rouge way back in the early 90’s. She was a new editor and I was struggling to get my first book contract. Gil had agreed to be my writing coach. Since then Karen and I have both come up together in the Christian fiction market and I’m very honored to call her my wonderful friend. She is a head editor and Christian romance novelist. Her novel What Lies Within has been nominated as the best inspirational novel of the year. Today Karen and I are talking about the pinnacles and pitfalls of being in love. Welcome, Karen to Words to Go.

KAREN: Thanks so much, Patty. I remember that first meeting, and the fun we had with good ol' Gil. He and his wife, Johnnie, are a perfect example of a couple still deeply in love after a boatload of years. Johnnie once told me the secret to their long-lived love affair was laughter. Gil once told me the key was Johnnie. How sweet is that??

PATTY: I love them both so much. Karen, yesterday Deb and I talked about how hard it is to find peace as a married couple. Tomorrow hubby and I will talk about our growing pains. Like Deb and me you are also still married to the same guy. But you and I have prayed for one another over the years. At times it’s been an uphill battle, wouldn’t you say?

KAREN: Absolutely, as anyone who has read my novel, The Breaking Point, can attest. That novel was based on what Don and I had gone through in our marriage, including a year-long separation and over 15 years of counseling.

PATTY: That was such a painful period of life for you. But some couples would not hold out for that much counseling.

KAREN: The fact that we just celebrated our 29th anniversary in December is a testimony to God's grace. And the fact that we truly celebrated because we're not just spouses but FRIENDS now (I can't tell you how amazing that is considering where we were in our relationship 15 years ago or so), is something that moves me more than I can say.

PATTY: Could you explain some of the process that helped you work through it?

KAREN: If I've learned anything, through my own experiences and through the experiences of many of my friends, it's that lifelong love between two people is the result of a lot of hard work, and a lot of grace. Learning to lay your "rights" on God's altar, to submit to His call to serve the one we love, is tough. But it's oh, so worth it! When I look at Don now, I see a man of God, a man I can trust and depend on, a man I enjoy being with. But those kinds of feelings only came once I stopped trying to make Don into the man he should be and instead asked God to make me the wife Don needed.
If THAT'S not hard work, I don't know what is!

PATTY: Did you see romance differently as a young girl compared to now?

KAREN: Oh, gosh yes! I used to see romance as the stuff of romance novels. Heady and exhilarating, full of drama and passion. While I still consider those things a part of romance, I know now that it's far more about really seeing each other.

PATTY: It was those romance movies that affected me.

KAREN: You know, there's a scene in the movie, City of Angels, where the angel, played by Nicholas Cage, is, for the first time in his existence, SEEN. Meg Ryan's character looks up during a surgery she's performing, and she looks right at the angel and talks to him. You can see the shock that ripples through him at that moment, and then how that simple fact--being seen--draws him to her.

PATTY: There’s also a spiritual aha in that.

KAREN: Whether we realize it or not, we all long to be seen. To be listened to and cared about, to have someone know we're here--and to have that fact mean something to them. Don sees who I am, good days and bad. And he accepts me. He knows my heart better than most anyone else, and treats it with respect and honor. I know my being here makes a huge difference to him, and that his world would be poorer if I were gone. Just as mine would were he to leave.

PATTY: When my hubby and I counsel couples, the difference in their either succeeding or falling apart as a couple is that confidence you’re now finding in yourself and each other.

KAREN: That sense of mattering, of knowing someone sees you as you are and loves you, warts and all, and that he LIKES you, too...there's just no comparison to that.

PATTY: What advice would you like to give to others who might be struggling to stay in love?

KAREN: Forget about staying in love. Simply love. Treat one another with kindness, no matter what. So many of us forget to be kind to our spouses. Never let sarcasm take wing. Just because you think it doesn't mean you have to speak it.

PATTY: Randy and I had to realize that there’s no audience around to laugh at our cruel humor—it’s just us absorbing the pain of what comes out of our mouths.

KAREN: So true. We have to remember, words hold great power. Speak life and truth to your spouse, not denegration or criticism. This is the person you're going to be with until you shuffle off this mortal coil. Treat him or her accordingly! Focus your energy and passion and care on the person you've chosen for your life-time mate. Listen more than you speak. Offer grace, even when it's not deserved. And be willing to give up your "rights" so you may gain God's blessings. Serve. Uplift. Encourage. Make it your prime directive, so to speak, to be Christ to your spouse.

PATTY: That’s one of those lessons that comes hard fought. You don’t always feel like “being Jesus” in the heat of an argument.

KAREN: Trust me on this, when you start treating your spouse this way, even if you don't feel like it...when you act out of obedience rather than what's deserved (and never forget NONE of us deserves anything but death)...when you seek out the good rather than harping on the bad...when you purpose to show kindness no matter what...then, my friends, you will rock your spouse's world. And your own.

PATTY: That’s a term my hubby uses—he says he wants to rock my world. When it seemed as if every fight was the end of us, we had to take an active interest in finding uplifting language to replace the old “lists”. What you seem to say is that we need to make new lists for each other. Karen, thanks for baring your soul today on Words to Go. You’ve given us some great food for the journey.

Tomorrow I have all but hog-tied my beloved, my Babe into giving us some pearls from the man’s view. It’s so different asking a dude to wade into all of this emotional fodder. He sat here at my desk, writing—at first waxing rather preacherly and eloquent. But then, ahem, he came clean. But he’s so used to that because God has taught him to be very confessional before Him and his congregation.

So tomorrow Randy and I will discuss the issues we had to traverse as a couple, from porn to the priesthood.

As Karen says, I hope you and your beloved are growing as a couple and learning to rock each other’s world. Or else I pray that God leads you to find your soul mate—believe me, the road doesn’t end at t the I-do’s. It’s a journey for the faithful and the courageous. See you tomorrow!

If you leave feedback, your name is entered for fabulous, thrilling prizes in Friday’s big book give-away. Rock your world!

Romancing the Authors Week Welcomes Romance Author Deb Raney

Reminder!! All bloggers posting this week on WTG are entered in Friday's big book give-away! Don't forget to leave your feedback!!!


Welcome to Romancing the Authors Week! It’s Valentine’s Week and love is in the air. But no one knows better than romance authors that love can be painful. Today Words to Go welcomes guest novelist, Deborah Raney, a romance writer whose novel A Vow to Cherish was made into a television film. She has won a Rita Award, the Holt Medallion, and the National Reader’s Choice Award. Her recently released novel is Leaving November. I have loved Deb for many years as a sister in literature and life.
Welcome Deb, to Words to Go!

DEB: Thanks, Patty!

PATTY: Deb, it’s true that novels are our bread and butter. But our readers tend to like happy endings, stories fiery with the passion of heroes and heroines who overcome life’s struggles but a world where all trials work out with a happy ending. You and I are each married to the same guy after all these years. But I know that for Randy and me our lifelong romance has been a lot of work. Would you say that is true for you too?

DEB: Oh, my yes! Ken likes to say we've been happily married for thirty years. Well, that's a nice thought, but um...we've been married for almost thirty-five years! ; ) We say often that if not for our commitment to each other and the Lord, we could have found a dozen good reasons to split up over the years. I do think as we've gotten older it's become easier. We've come to realize that there are a few issues we'll probably never see eye-to-eye on. But so many other things that we used to fight about have either become ridiculously unimportant, or we've finally, finally worked through them to a mutually agreeable solution.

PATTY: Have you redefined the word “romance” since you were young and coming-of-age?

DEB: Yes, but not in the way you might think. I grew up on a farm and saw my parents working together side-by-side. They had (and after 55 years together, still have) a wonderful relationship, but my mother didn't need flowers and candy and romantic getaways to feel loved by my dad. And it's a good thing. After spending sunup till sundown in the field, coming home to milk the cows, and all the other chores the farm required, there wasn't often time for traditional "romance." But Mother and Daddy enjoyed each other's company wherever they were. Add to that the fact that I grew up with very little exposure to television and movies and you'll know that I didn't come to marriage with unrealistic expectations of romantic love. So imagine my surprise (and joy) when God gave me a man who is the king of flowers and candlelight and picnics in front of the fireplace.

PATTY: It’s refreshing. My man is like that too.

DEB: My dad is no less loving or caring than my husband––they both would give their very lives for their families––but they demonstrate their love in different ways. I think women of all ages need to realize that men show their love in a whole spectrum of ways, and not always the ways we wives would like. We each need to learn to understand the nuances of the "love language" our own husband speaks, and accept his offerings as if he were speaking in our tongue, without comparing him to someone else's husband.

PATTY: How has your faith helped you and your hubby continue to find solid footing in your lifelong commitment to one another?

DEB: When two people are trying individually––in their imperfect, stumbling ways––to be more like Jesus every day, even when selfishness and pride (and the enemy of our souls) try to tear them apart, they usually eventually come to their senses and do the right thing. So many times, in our marriage, when one of us is struggling, the other will reach out with understanding and forgiveness. So many times, when I've wronged my husband, he will make the first move to apologize for the small part he might have played in our disagreement. Nothing humbles me more quickly than a man who's 10 percent in the wrong, taking 90 percent of the blame. That makes it easy to fall into his arms with an apology, which makes it easy for him to forgive. And next time, when he's 90 percent wrong, I can be gracious and apologize first, because I remember when he did it for me. It's a wonderful, vicious circle that is exactly what God's grace is all about (except that he's always 100 percent!)

Another thing that Ken and I feel is all important is the effort we've made to spend time in God's Word and in prayer together, every weekday morning (and of course on Sunday in church and Sunday School). We were less successful at this when the kids were small, but boy do we notice a difference when we're faithful to keep that appointment! It's hard to be angry with a man who has held you in his arms and prayed for you that morning.

PATTY: Randy and I regret we took so long to reach that point. But more about that Wednesday. Deb, what advice would you like to give to others who might be struggling to stay in love?

DEB: First, kick the word D-I-V-O-R-C-E out of your marriage vocabulary. If it's not even an option on the table, you will be far more likely to do whatever it takes to work things out. Every couple, if they are honest, has struggled at some point to stay in love. It is during those times that commitment is the glue that holds a marriage together until love can be revived.

Secondly, I have never forgotten Dr. James Dobson's advice in his book, Emotions, Can You Trust Them? (P.S. The short answer is NO, you can't trust them!) Dr. Dobson's advice was: Whether you feel like it or not, do the loving thing; the loving feelings will follow. How true that has been for us. In the times when I've looked at my husband and thought, "what did I ever see in that man?" (and haven't we all been there at least once or twice in our marriages?) if I force myself to treat Ken as if he were my beloved, before long, I realize he has become my beloved! And that's a win/win position, because even if my loving behavior doesn't produce the same in my husband, I still have the satisfaction of knowing that in God's eyes, I am doing the right thing. Time and time again, Ken and I have seen God change each other's hearts and attitudes when we simply commit to be the one to do the right thing. And on the days when we're both doing the right thing? Ooh la la! : )

PATTY: What a great story, Deb, and a testament to a couple who’ve chosen to make unselfish commitments to each other. And I’ve known you for many years, so I can vouch for your sincerity. I’ve never known a happier person than Deb which is why I felt the nudge to ask her to chat today. I realize that many, many folks have stories that did not turn out so well. But in Deb’s story is such an important truth—three can make a marriage work—a very committed couple plus God.

DEB: And to promote Patty's series on romance, I'm giving away autographed copies of Insight, my newest novel just now showing up in bookstores from Steeple Hill Women's Fiction. I'll mail free copies to the first five readers who visit Patty's site and email me (debraney@mac.com) with the answer to this question:
"How long have Deb's parents been married?"

Today is the first day of Romancing the Authors Week on Words to Go, a week where authors share the pinnacles and pitfalls of being in love.

All bloggers posting will be entered in a book give-away. Friday I’ll give away THREE copies of Earthly Vows. Your name can be entered once a day or five times this week. Just post feedback, thoughts, and, of course, your own stories of love or love lost. You are dearly cherished, friends, no matter what your story.



Tomorrow! Romance author and editor Karen Ball shares how her own love life went from disaster to a higher plane.

Romancing the Authors Week Book Give-Away

This week join Patty and bestselling authors each day as they chat about "The Pinnacles and Pitfalls of Being in Love." Three copies of Patty's novel Earthly Vows will be given away following a drawing Friday. Your name is entered each day for your blog post on that day. So if you post every day, that's five entries!

Here's Our Guest Line-up:

Monday: Join Patty and popular romance novelist Deb Raney as Deb talks about her own struggles as a wife and how she found a steady plane in her real-life romance.

Tuesday: Patty chats with romance author and head fiction editor Karen Ball. Karen shares how she and her hubby found restoration through a change in how they communicate.

Wednesday: Patty and her hubby, Senior Pastor Randy Hickman talk frankly about marital issues that nearly destroyed their marriage. From porn to the priesthood, the Hickmans share frankly their personal marriage transformation.

Thursday: Husband and wife writers Steve and Janet Bly share how quickly life can turn rhapsody to tragedy.

Mystery Guest Friday: A beloved bestselling novelist shares about the Greatest Romance of all time.

To win a copy of Patty's novel Earthly Vows, simply post once a day to have your name entered for a book give-away on Friday!

Please revisit Friday p.m. for winners' list. I'll need shipping addresses.

MYSTERY GUEST FRIDAYS Welcomes Bestselling Author Terri Blackstock!

Praying for our children is the topic today with our special Mystery Guest Friday author, bestselling novelist Terri Blackstock. Terri’s fiction is described as “Up All Night Fiction” because once you start reading one of her suspense novel’s you won’t want to put it down. Terri’s latest novel is entitled Dawn’s Light, and she has a new one releasing in a couple of weeks—Double Minds. I have to say that I’m also a big fan of Terri’s writing and she’s my dear friend too. Welcome, Terri!

TERRI: Thanks for inviting me, Patty. It’s great to be here talking about this important issue for Christians.

PATTY: Terri, you and I have been prayer partners over the past decade. As a matter of fact, you probably would have blackmail power over me, but then, it’s a reciprocal partnership, so I guess we’re both safe. That’s the beauty of having a prayer partner. Our kids are now grown, but that mom’s vigil has not stopped has it?

TERRI: No, it hasn’t. In fact, I find it much more difficult to be a mother of adult children than I did of young children. When they were still at home, I had more control over the things they did. If I saw them walking out in front of a truck, I could jerk them back. It’s been difficult finding the peace to know that I can’t be there to jerk them back anymore.

PATTY: Our children have come-of-age at the same time, so we’ve both had to learn to release them in a trust arrangement with God. What is key to you as a mom in trusting God with your kids?

TERRI: I can only do that through prayer. I’ve spent the last few years learning how to really be on my knees, figuratively and literally, for my children. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the way I pray, and when things are going well, I pray less. My resolution for 2009 is to get my prayer life organized and to learn to pray with more power. I had that in my mind, and I probably prayed about it off-handedly at some point or another, but here it is the second week of January and I had really done nothing to begin working on that. And then a couple of days ago the Lord directed my eyes to a book that’s been sitting on my bookshelf—How to Pray by R.A. Torrey.

PATTY: He’s a fav author in the Hickman library too.

TERRI: I’d read it when I was working on my last novel, Dawn’s Light, where I explored the subject of unanswered prayer. It’s very short, only 100 pages or so. And I felt the distinct impression that God wanted me to read it again. I started it this morning and was reminded why my prayers sometimes don’t have much power. Torrey says that when we pray, we should “have the thoughts of Him definitely in mind and be more taken up with Him than with [our] petition.”

I realized that never happens with me. I’m always more focused on my petitions than I am on God. But what if we went into His presence with awe and humility, taking our time and not just rattling off our list, realizing that God is bending down to hear us, that in getting His ear, we are truly taking these petitions to the One who can do something about them. That reminded me that I can go boldly to the throne of grace, and expect for God to answer.

But first I have to make sure that I’m really in His presence. When I do, that awe quiets me, and my prayer is filled with more reflection than it is with supplications.

And as I read this book, I became more aware that Jesus sits at the right hand of God, and his work now is to intercede for us. So when we pray for the people or things or the children that are on our heart, we’re praying with Jesus, who has the Father’s ear. That’s what it means to pray in Jesus’ name.

PATTY: Terri, praying for our children is a job that as moms we thought might lessen as they became adults. How, as a mom, have your prayers changed since your girls were young and now that they’re grown?


TERRI: I don’t really think that my prayers have changed because of their maturing, but they’re changing because of my maturing. I know more about prayer than I did when they were younger, and I know it because God has put obstacles and trials in my life as I’ve gotten older. Those are the things that have grown and matured me. How often have we said, “If I knew then what I know now ...” But the fact is, I didn’t know those things then. I have comfort in knowing that God does give children to imperfect, immature young people who haven’t learned all of life’s lessons yet. So he doesn’t expect us to do it all exactly right as we’re raising them. I do sometimes look back with guilt on the things I did wrong as a parent, but I don’t think God calls me to do that. It’s not a surprise to Him that imperfect parents will raise imperfect children imperfectly.

PATTY: Could you leave the moms visiting us today some advice about praying when it seems useless to pray? I know that there were times when I would ask you to pray for me, but honestly my faith was so wobbly, I didn’t know if we would ever have a breakthrough. What sort of encouragement do you have for moms who might feel like giving up as the official prayer covering over their kids?

TERRI: There have been times when it’s seemed that my prayers were hitting a stone ceiling. That’s why I wrote about unanswered prayer in Dawn’s Light. The parents in that book are praying for a child who’s been injured and lies comatose, and they wrestle earnestly in prayer for her. In Christendom, we like to talk about praying in faith, asking and receiving, seeking Him first and God giving us the desires of our heart ... But what about those times when you pray for someone’s healing and they die? Or when you ask for someone’s salvation year after year, and they continue to reject Him? What do you do when the results of your prayers weaken your faith rather than strengthening them? That does happen. So I read everything I could get my hands on about prayer, and had the father in the book doing the same. And I came to a realization that I allowed my characters to come to. That God’s purposes are like a beautiful symphony. We want to be in on His will; we want to join in His work. But when we try to join in with our squeaky little violin, we wind up playing “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” while He’s playing Beethoven’s 5th.

PATTY: That's a gorgeous example, Terri.

TERRI: His symphony continues even when we’re way off. Eventually, if we continue to pray and practice and listen and learn, we begin to play along in the right key, the right song, and then it’s all clear to us. God was doing something we didn’t understand. He had a purpose so much greater than what we could fathom.

I think we need to go to God knowing that’s happening, understanding that God is doing a work in our children’s lives that we aren’t attuned to just yet. We may not see His direction, or hear His symphony, but it’s playing nonetheless. So we keep going to Him and trusting that He’s working, and praying and reflecting and listening and learning. Our prayers are being heard and acted upon. And one day we will see the results.

I think prayer is the hardest work of the Christian life, and it’s the part that Satan attacks the most. In fact, Satan is extremely successful at distracting us from this. But prayer is the key to the Christian life. It’s the way we abide in Christ, and the way we partake of the atonement. Without a powerful prayer life, we’re missing out on all of what God has for us.

Patty, thanks for asking me to explore this issue with you this week. It’s been providential. I think the Lord used it to remind me of my resolution, and to give me a jump-start so that I would keep it this year.

PATTY: No, Sister, thank you! What a wonderful way to finish off our week-long discussion on prayer.

If today was your first visit to Ask the Experts Week, just scroll down and enjoy the feast. I'm still getting a lot of emails. Great, but please do take a moment and post here so that the authors are encouraged by your words to go.

Have a great weekend and an awesome day of celebration and worship to the One who gave us His Words and told us "go!"

Calling All Cracked Pots! It's Patsy Clairmont!

Today on Words to Go, Patty chats with Patsy Clairmont about "Praying From a Surrendered Heart"

Patsy Clairmont is a wildly popular speaker with Women of Faith conferences, an opportunity that's allowed her to speak to over three million women. She has authored over seventeen books including her first fiction book Stardust on My Pillow. Her next soon-to-be-released book is entitled Catching Fireflies. She’s also written five books for kids. Through faith in Christ, she was set free from the prison of her own home as she left behind the pain of agoraphobia and embraced a life of fullness and joy. She's the funniest lady in the world, but best of all I'm so honored to call her my friend. Welcome, Patsy to Words to Go.

PATSY: Thank you, Patty, for inviting me.

“Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal’s death on a cross.” Phil. 2: 6-8

PATTY: Patsy, this is one of those meatier scriptures that bears some dissection, it seems. When you approach God in prayer, what does it mean to you to make one’s self nothing?

PATSY: Patty, making one’s self nothing means understanding that I am NOT God. I am NOT in control, I do NOT understand the greater plans of God, and it is ONLY because of Jesus that I am allowed to approach the throne of grace. When I have those truths securely fastened in my brain and then believe it, I am hidden behind the cross. That means my identity is in Christ and He in return represents me to the world for His purposes. Talk about a marketing plan. We are nothing and He is everything...how can we go wrong?

PATTY: Yes, but it’s taken me a long time to feel truly identified IN Christ. I misunderstood what that meant as an early Christian. Can you give us an example?

PATSY: I am a slam-dunk cracked pot. Anyone who has known me for over an hour and a half will sign an affidavit agreeing with that proclamation.

PATTY: Ha!

PATSY: Okay, okay fifteen minutes. The point is God has made space for even the most unqualified and broken among us. He understands our inherent weaknesses, our tendencies, and our wanderlust hearts. Imagine that He who is sinless and holy gets us, Little-ol’-nothing-us. Not only does He get us, Christ gives us internal dignity, external purpose, and holy poise. And His generosity doesn’t stop there. He transforms evil into good and death into hope.

PATTY: I think I’m still holding out for some of that holy poise. What a gorgeous picture of transformation, though!

PATSY: Yep, I have no trouble owning “nothing” as my title and calling, because once I relinquish my right to call the shots and bend my knobby-knees to Christ with a contrite heart, I rise up strong in Him. And HIM folks is what it’s all about.

PATTY: I’d like to ask you one more question, Patsy, if you don’t mind. It’s a temptation to treat prayer like a fire hose—only use in case of emergency. What has God or life taught you about the need for prayer as a daily occupation?

PATSY: Years ago I attended a once-a-year gathering of Bible studies from my community. It was a large group and I had not seen many of the gals since the last big gathering. One particular time I was startled by the dramatic change in a woman’s countenance I’d known before. It’s not that I had known her well, but I had observed her through the years on different occasions. She appeared to have a neurological disorder that caused her entire body to shake in tremors. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw her standing quietly, without tremors, watching the milling crowd. In my mind I wondered if the doctors had found a medication that had stilled her shaking or if they had done something surgically to help her.

PATTY: I have to admit, my mind would reach first for the logical too.

PATSY: Finally my curiosity got the best of me and I sidled up to her. “I can’t help, but notice a change in your health,” I probed. This once timid woman turned full face and smiled. I had a sense she wanted to tell me.

“Over the years,” she began, “the medications I was taking did not help my tremors, so I tried a different approach. Then I began to sit quietly in the presence of the Lord for periods of time everyday until gradually the shaking stilled.” Her eyes softened with gratitude.

I wanted to know more. I encouraged her to go on.

“At first I could only sit five minutes and then my anxiety levels would drive me off to fuss over something,” she confessed. “So off and on all day I would go back and make myself sit down again. In time I was able to stay still for longer periods. I didn’t always verbally pray, sometimes I just presented myself to the Lord, and then sat quietly. I often thought, I can’t sit here, because every nerve ending was screaming to move. But after weeks I saw that those moments were crucial to my well-being and sweet to my spirit. I was months into this discipline when others began to notice my tremors were easing. I knew I felt inwardly calmer. Eventually my tremors ceased, although if I get stressed I notice twitching, which is my cue to Be still and know that He is God.”

PATTY: That’s one of those miraculous healings that can’t be refuted. That woman found the source of her healing.

PATSY: Yes, talk about a billboard for prayer! I have never forgotten that woman. I feel like I saw the results of a miracle. It wasn’t only her lack of outward tremors, or her grateful eyes, but her new confidant spirit. She had been like a nervous sparrow and now, well, she was...a mounting eagle.

PATTY: That’s such a faith building story, Patsy. This week Neta reminded us to praise God like warriors. Thelma reminded us to pray with the mind of Christ so that we’re walking in God’s will, praying his will. Then Jan taught us to meditate on and practice the presence of God. Today, Patsy, you taught us that faithful prayers bring bountiful results. Could you leave us with a scripture?

PATSY:“...They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...”

PATTY: Ah! A perfect way to finish off our chat. Patsy, you know I love you so much and continue to pray for you as you minister to millions of women around the world. Thank you for chatting with us today at Words to Go.

PATSY: I loved it!

PATTY: We’d love to hear your feedback, friends, to our chat with bestselling author and communicator Patsy Clairmont! Please leave your feedback any time, all day.

Tomorrow, we have a special treat for our Mystery Guest Friday. A bestselling and beloved novelist will discuss the difficult yet blessed responsibility of praying for our kids. When will the “mystery” be revealed? See you tomorrow, on our special MYSTERY GUEST FRIDAY!

Ah, Sweet Surrender! Author Jan Winebrenner Chats About Prayer and Meditation

Today’s guest is Hachette/Warner Faith author and spiritual teacher Jan Winebrenner. Her favorite scripture – Matthew 11:28-30.

I met Jan Winebrenner a few years ago at a publisher’s sales conference. We exchanged books and it seemed I had made a new friend. But when I got home and read Intimate Faith, I recognized Jan as an emerging talent in Christian publishing. Her writing and depth refreshed my soul. Intimate Faith is never more than a few feet from my desk. Jan is a workshop and spiritual retreat leader who now has a new book out entitled The Grace of Catastrophe. I asked Jan here today to chat about prayer and meditation. Jan, I’m so honored to have you here today. The first thing I’d like to ask you is what is the difference between prayer and meditation?

JAN: Patty, when I’m praying, I’m pretty “Jan-focused” -- I’m thinking about what I need from God. This isn’t a bad thing—God tells us to bring Him our requests. But often, as I begin praying, I’m overwhelmed by my neediness, by my desperate condition, and the urgent needs of the people I love. I struggle often, reaching about for words to articulate what my soul feels. For me, prayer can be hard work. I feel anxiety and pressure. This is the point at which I’m learning to stop. Just stop speaking, stop trying to shape my prayer. For me, this is the time to begin practicing the discipline of meditation. This is the time to be “God-focused.” For me, this is the difference between prayer and meditation.

PATTY: Jan, this is such a great transition from the wisdom we’ve already gained this week from Neta Jackson and Thelma Wells. I like that you’re sharing how we can put feet on the discipline of taking the “me” out of prayers through this practice. I need it very badly!

JAN: Yes, as do we all. Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time meditating on the idea of God coming to me, of God initiating contact, and God inviting me to come to Him in response. He has always been the initiator, you know, and He always will be. See it in the garden: God coming to Adam and Eve, calling out to them, even when they wanted to hide from Him. He initiated the conversation. Turn a few pages in the Old Testament and see God coming to Cain, starting a dialogue. I love this! God says to this angry man, “What’s going on with you, Cain?” God knows Cain’s heart, his intentions. He tells him, “You don’t have to do this, Cain.” Even after Cain kills his brother, God doesn’t shut off the conversation.

PATTY: And that was just a whiff of the grace to come!

JAN: Right. Throughout scripture we see God coming to people; God first on the scene; God starting the conversation. Open the New Testament and see God’s ultimate Word, Jesus: the First Word—“in the beginning, the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” Jesus, God’s perfect expression of love, is the Word that communicates God’s yearning for relationship and intimacy. In every conversation with the infinite God, His is the first word.

PATTY: That eternal grace-saturated invitation.

JAN: These are the truths I’ve been meditating on for several months. When I begin to pray, when I feel the anxiety of life press in on me, or when I just want to talk to God, I stop and think. I visualize Jesus knocking, asking me to invite Him in. I am struck by the humility and gentleness of Jesus, and my heart warms toward Him. I think about Him being the one to start the conversation.

PATTY: Some call this practicing the presence of God. It causes all of the “worried prayers” to just melt away, doesn’t it?

JAN: Yes, moments before, I may have been focused on my needs and my struggles, but no more. I am overwhelmed and pulled out of myself to worship this God who wants to speak to me. I may have just arrived at this quiet place to pray, but God is already here. He arrived on the scene ahead of me and He is waiting to engage His heart with mine. He is already present. He is calling for me, waiting for me. His favorite word is “Come.” Come to where He is already present and waiting.

PATTY: It’s so true. We tend to think that we have to suck God out of some vacuum and summon him like a genie. But it’s actually us responding to his continual call to come to him. However, setting aside the time to respond to him is contrary to the way we live. We live in a hurry-sick culture. How do you deal with these outside pressures that eat away our time, Jan?

JAN: The messages carried in the winds of culture shout at us, insisting that everything depends on the self; that God is absent, or at best, distant. So we must hurry faster and work harder to attain success, to accomplish the spectacular; nothing less will suffice. Nothing in our culture encourages us to listen to God. Even our religious communities can be enemies of our souls if they spit out confusing definitions of success, pushing us toward more activity, more complicated programs. But meditation calls a halt to all the “busy-ness”; meditation pulls us into a quiet place, settles us into stillness. We remember that everything depends on God, not on the self. Our attention shifts off of our efforts and plans; our eyes look up to the sovereign, infinite, all-powerful God, and we listen as He redefines success in eternal syllables.

PATTY: Being married to the ministry, I do see so many very good ministers of the gospel buy into the “American” success story and apply it to ministry. It can be a web of deceit just like anything birthed of flesh and not God’s Spirit. My husband and I have long talks about the people we’re working to raise up so that their ministries are fruitful. But if they aren’t taking time to receive from God, only living life hurrying and worrying, we put the brakes on staff activity and head for the mountains for some “knee time”. I’m so glad you brought attention to God’s definition of “success in eternal syllables.”

JAN: When I choose to meditate on the truth about God’s heart-- that He is ready and waiting to engage with my soul—I move toward Him in response, and away from the pressures and demands of my culture. I move away from the lie that tells me my value is contained in my performance; I move toward the God who loves me and values me because I am His unique creation, His beloved child. I move away from self-directed activity, with its pressures and anxieties, and I move into God’s peace that passes understanding. Is there anything we need more in today’s world?

PATTY: When you say it like that, no, there is absolutely nothing else. When Christ becomes your greatest compulsion, you only hear one thing, don’t you?

JAN: That’s right. In meditation I hear that lovely word, “Come.” And I can hardly wait to pray.

PATTY: Ah, the sweet rapture of surrender! Jan Winebrenner, friends, chatting with us today about prayer and meditation. We would love to hear your thoughts too. How do you take time to meditate on God?

Tomorrow, calling all cracked pots! Women of Faith’s own Patsy Clairmont is dropping by to give us a word to go about how she finds time to grow through intimacy with Christ. You won’t want to miss it!