Author's Buffet--Feast on Editor and Novelist Karen Ball's Rich Wisdom About Growing Up a PK!

This is editor and novelist Karen Ball’s second visit to Words to Go. When I asked some author friends to share with us a week of insider’s perspectives on what it’s like being in the ministry, two wonderful authors stepped up to bat—Karen Ball and Angie Hunt. So today we’ll hear from Karen and tomorrow, Angie. Karen is head of acquisitions for fiction at Broadman and Holman. Will you kill me, Karen, for saying B&H is Beth Moore’s publisher?

KAREN: Not at all!

PATTY: When I heard that Karen was taking the helm for their fiction, I said, “Look out—here comes the boss!” But Karen didn’t come by her calm yet assertive leadership style by chance. Her life was shaped by a succession of realizations, the first having been shaped out of being a “good girl.” You’ll remember when Lisa Samson and I approached this topic a few weeks back. Karen, I understand that you can offer some insight about what it's like to live on the "inside" of ministry life. What concessions did you have to make as a child of a pastor?

KAREN: First, let me say I've always loved being a PK and PGK (pastor's grandkid). I was immeasurably fortunate in that my parents knew their first ministry was their family. That's so rare. In fact, my older brother and I were just talking about this yesterday. We never felt the church came before we did.

PATTY: That is very rare.

KAREN: Even so, I'd heard too many people in other churches make comments about PKs along the lines of, "And she's a pastor's daughter!" or "And her father's a minister!" As though that meant the child was somehow exempt from all the mistakes and idiocy kids seem to embrace. I can't tell you how deeply it impacted my growing-up heart that when a PK acted out, it wasn't the kid who was blamed or criticized, but the pastoral parent.

PATTY: We actually sent our youngest to a summer camp just for PK’s. It was the best thing we ever did for him. Even though I had stood vigil over my kids, they still sensed outside pressure to “be good” rather than to obey Christ.

KAREN As a result of my parent's ministry, I determined early on no one would ever say such things about my dad because of me. So how did I accomplish that? By not letting anyone outside of the family see me angry or upset.

PATTY: That’s a lot for a little kid to take on. You must have looked “perfect” to the world but felt miserable from within.

KAREN: I worked very hard to maintain an image of being happy and content and smart and fun. To be the kind of kid other parents would hold up as a role model. Which meant I internalized a LOT.

PATTY: But tamping down has its ultimate costs, doesn’t it?

KAREN: Yes. Little wonder, then, that I ended up with ulcers when I was 16, and again in my 20s, and again... Well, let's just stay it took me a lot of years to realize what I was doing to myself.

PATTY: I think that may be true of a lot of us on many different levels. I both love and hate those realizations.(Hate that they come so late in life)

KAREN: To not just know in my head but in my heart that negative emotions aren't wrong, they're just part of being human. That it's what you do with, or because of, them that matters. I had to learn how to deal with those emotions in a healthy, non self-destructive manner. Shoot, I still have trouble letting anyone see me cry.

PATTY: Been there.

KAREN: That whole "fishbowl" syndrome pastoral families endure can be so harmful. Knowing your parents and their ministries--or even their call from God!--are judged by what you do and say? Devastating.

PATTY: It’s a great lesson, not just for ministry families, but also the church members to know.

KAREN: I know I escaped a lot of the downside of the ministry because of my parents' determination to be parents first, a pastoral family second. That's why I can say I'm a PK who loves the church. It's sad how unusual that is. People need to realize pastoral families are like any other family, just doing their best. And kids are kids, no matter what their parents are called to do.

PATTY: Exactly. We once had a friend who was a children's pastor. When he would come and take our children's ministry pulpit to give us a break in our children's ministry days, he would always pay special attention to our youngest making sure he got picked for the games and things his dad couldn't do because of looking as if he was being given privileges. There are ways that church members can respond to their pastor's children and wife to make them feel special and noticed. Thanks so much for stopping by again today, Karen. I know you are so busy but I love these chats we have. You’re always willing to be authentic. You help us all when you do that.

KAREN: Thanks for having me again, Patty.

Tomorrow, all rise—Angela Elwell Hunt is dropping in to pay us a visit at Words to Go. Angie and I have been friends since the years our ministry was in Florida. When Angie and I would finally come up for air from novel writing to do a girlfriend’s lunch, our “hour” would turn into two, then three. And then our husbands would be calling to see if we had up and run away from home. You’re going to love our chat tomorrow with best-selling, Christy winning novelist Angela Elwell Hunt, so drop in for fun and a chance to win Angie’s latest novel!

Romancing the Authors Week Book Give-Away Winners List!!

Next Week!! Join your fav Southern Authors for a personal chat about "Lessons Learned From Livin' Down South--What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" and more Friday book give-aways!


Thanks for leaving feedback this week for our awesome guest authors. Each time you left feedback, your name went in the old straw hat for today’s drawing. You do need to respond privately to me and provide your info, address etc. by Monday, Feb. 16 at 10:00 a.m. eastern. If I don’t hear from you by then, no biggie--another name will be drawn. Each author is personally autographing and mailing your book to you.

Thank you, authors Deb Raney, Karen Ball, Stephen and Janet Bly, and Francine Rivers and my beloved Babe, Pastor Randy Hickman for chatting with us this week!

Here are the winners:

Tracey Bateman winner of Karen Ball’s Breaking Point
Lori Benton winner of Karen Ball’s Shattered Justice (contact Patty today!)
Carla Stewart winner of Karen Ball’s A Test of Faith
Laura Lee Bliss winner of Stephen Bly’s Memories of a Dirt Road
Wanda Laine winner of my novel Earthly Vows
Connie Sue winner of my novel Earthly Vows
Ruth Anne Boone winner of my novel Earthly Vows
Joyce Mahan winner of Francine Rivers’ The Last Sin Eater
Beth K. Vogt winner of Francine Rivers’ The Atonement Child (contact Patty today!)
Rick Estep winner of Francine Rivers’ Redeeming Love (contact Patty today!)

Congratulations, Winners! Please email me at
pattyhickman@bellsouth.net with your name, book you won,
and your mailing address. Please allow ten days to two weeks for books to arrive.

I hope that you are having a blessed Valentine’s Day. You may have a friend who might be feeling a little melancholy around this special day. Remember to send her a card or buy her some chocolates and let her know that she is especially thought of on this day.

Over and out!
Patty Valentino Hickman
Your Friendly Neighborhood Cupid

Romancing the Authors Week Welcomes Romance Editor and Author Karen Ball!!

Today on Words to Go, I’ll be chatting with an author friend who I’ve known longer than almost any author in Christian publishing. Karen Ball and I first met at author Gil Morris’s house in Baton Rouge way back in the early 90’s. She was a new editor and I was struggling to get my first book contract. Gil had agreed to be my writing coach. Since then Karen and I have both come up together in the Christian fiction market and I’m very honored to call her my wonderful friend. She is a head editor and Christian romance novelist. Her novel What Lies Within has been nominated as the best inspirational novel of the year. Today Karen and I are talking about the pinnacles and pitfalls of being in love. Welcome, Karen to Words to Go.

KAREN: Thanks so much, Patty. I remember that first meeting, and the fun we had with good ol' Gil. He and his wife, Johnnie, are a perfect example of a couple still deeply in love after a boatload of years. Johnnie once told me the secret to their long-lived love affair was laughter. Gil once told me the key was Johnnie. How sweet is that??

PATTY: I love them both so much. Karen, yesterday Deb and I talked about how hard it is to find peace as a married couple. Tomorrow hubby and I will talk about our growing pains. Like Deb and me you are also still married to the same guy. But you and I have prayed for one another over the years. At times it’s been an uphill battle, wouldn’t you say?

KAREN: Absolutely, as anyone who has read my novel, The Breaking Point, can attest. That novel was based on what Don and I had gone through in our marriage, including a year-long separation and over 15 years of counseling.

PATTY: That was such a painful period of life for you. But some couples would not hold out for that much counseling.

KAREN: The fact that we just celebrated our 29th anniversary in December is a testimony to God's grace. And the fact that we truly celebrated because we're not just spouses but FRIENDS now (I can't tell you how amazing that is considering where we were in our relationship 15 years ago or so), is something that moves me more than I can say.

PATTY: Could you explain some of the process that helped you work through it?

KAREN: If I've learned anything, through my own experiences and through the experiences of many of my friends, it's that lifelong love between two people is the result of a lot of hard work, and a lot of grace. Learning to lay your "rights" on God's altar, to submit to His call to serve the one we love, is tough. But it's oh, so worth it! When I look at Don now, I see a man of God, a man I can trust and depend on, a man I enjoy being with. But those kinds of feelings only came once I stopped trying to make Don into the man he should be and instead asked God to make me the wife Don needed.
If THAT'S not hard work, I don't know what is!

PATTY: Did you see romance differently as a young girl compared to now?

KAREN: Oh, gosh yes! I used to see romance as the stuff of romance novels. Heady and exhilarating, full of drama and passion. While I still consider those things a part of romance, I know now that it's far more about really seeing each other.

PATTY: It was those romance movies that affected me.

KAREN: You know, there's a scene in the movie, City of Angels, where the angel, played by Nicholas Cage, is, for the first time in his existence, SEEN. Meg Ryan's character looks up during a surgery she's performing, and she looks right at the angel and talks to him. You can see the shock that ripples through him at that moment, and then how that simple fact--being seen--draws him to her.

PATTY: There’s also a spiritual aha in that.

KAREN: Whether we realize it or not, we all long to be seen. To be listened to and cared about, to have someone know we're here--and to have that fact mean something to them. Don sees who I am, good days and bad. And he accepts me. He knows my heart better than most anyone else, and treats it with respect and honor. I know my being here makes a huge difference to him, and that his world would be poorer if I were gone. Just as mine would were he to leave.

PATTY: When my hubby and I counsel couples, the difference in their either succeeding or falling apart as a couple is that confidence you’re now finding in yourself and each other.

KAREN: That sense of mattering, of knowing someone sees you as you are and loves you, warts and all, and that he LIKES you, too...there's just no comparison to that.

PATTY: What advice would you like to give to others who might be struggling to stay in love?

KAREN: Forget about staying in love. Simply love. Treat one another with kindness, no matter what. So many of us forget to be kind to our spouses. Never let sarcasm take wing. Just because you think it doesn't mean you have to speak it.

PATTY: Randy and I had to realize that there’s no audience around to laugh at our cruel humor—it’s just us absorbing the pain of what comes out of our mouths.

KAREN: So true. We have to remember, words hold great power. Speak life and truth to your spouse, not denegration or criticism. This is the person you're going to be with until you shuffle off this mortal coil. Treat him or her accordingly! Focus your energy and passion and care on the person you've chosen for your life-time mate. Listen more than you speak. Offer grace, even when it's not deserved. And be willing to give up your "rights" so you may gain God's blessings. Serve. Uplift. Encourage. Make it your prime directive, so to speak, to be Christ to your spouse.

PATTY: That’s one of those lessons that comes hard fought. You don’t always feel like “being Jesus” in the heat of an argument.

KAREN: Trust me on this, when you start treating your spouse this way, even if you don't feel like it...when you act out of obedience rather than what's deserved (and never forget NONE of us deserves anything but death)...when you seek out the good rather than harping on the bad...when you purpose to show kindness no matter what...then, my friends, you will rock your spouse's world. And your own.

PATTY: That’s a term my hubby uses—he says he wants to rock my world. When it seemed as if every fight was the end of us, we had to take an active interest in finding uplifting language to replace the old “lists”. What you seem to say is that we need to make new lists for each other. Karen, thanks for baring your soul today on Words to Go. You’ve given us some great food for the journey.

Tomorrow I have all but hog-tied my beloved, my Babe into giving us some pearls from the man’s view. It’s so different asking a dude to wade into all of this emotional fodder. He sat here at my desk, writing—at first waxing rather preacherly and eloquent. But then, ahem, he came clean. But he’s so used to that because God has taught him to be very confessional before Him and his congregation.

So tomorrow Randy and I will discuss the issues we had to traverse as a couple, from porn to the priesthood.

As Karen says, I hope you and your beloved are growing as a couple and learning to rock each other’s world. Or else I pray that God leads you to find your soul mate—believe me, the road doesn’t end at t the I-do’s. It’s a journey for the faithful and the courageous. See you tomorrow!

If you leave feedback, your name is entered for fabulous, thrilling prizes in Friday’s big book give-away. Rock your world!

Romancing the Authors Week Book Give-Away

This week join Patty and bestselling authors each day as they chat about "The Pinnacles and Pitfalls of Being in Love." Three copies of Patty's novel Earthly Vows will be given away following a drawing Friday. Your name is entered each day for your blog post on that day. So if you post every day, that's five entries!

Here's Our Guest Line-up:

Monday: Join Patty and popular romance novelist Deb Raney as Deb talks about her own struggles as a wife and how she found a steady plane in her real-life romance.

Tuesday: Patty chats with romance author and head fiction editor Karen Ball. Karen shares how she and her hubby found restoration through a change in how they communicate.

Wednesday: Patty and her hubby, Senior Pastor Randy Hickman talk frankly about marital issues that nearly destroyed their marriage. From porn to the priesthood, the Hickmans share frankly their personal marriage transformation.

Thursday: Husband and wife writers Steve and Janet Bly share how quickly life can turn rhapsody to tragedy.

Mystery Guest Friday: A beloved bestselling novelist shares about the Greatest Romance of all time.

To win a copy of Patty's novel Earthly Vows, simply post once a day to have your name entered for a book give-away on Friday!

Please revisit Friday p.m. for winners' list. I'll need shipping addresses.