Hurricane Mom

Understanding my upbringing has been a lifelong pursuit. One of the most difficult people to understand was my mom. I still have a mental snapshot of her bent over her flower beds. She instilled in me a love of the earth and taking care of what God has given us. I still can’t stand littering and in the spring I obsess over getting those first annuals in the rich black soil I had delivered before the moving boxes were even unpacked.

But my mother had a secret anger that simmered out of the sight of polite company. It would waylay my sister and me, and I’m sure, the brother I never knew. Hurricaning is an unhealthy practice birthed of rage, pumping adrenaline into the body even giving the person a temporary high. It can cause you to feel powerful. In cartoons, it is the character who suddenly reveals their evil side, rising into the air like a giant Medusa with thunderclouds and lightning billowing behind.

Raging at a spouse or children can become addictive. It is often a trait of the Alpha personality or the choleric, the ones who are prone to heart attack and stroke early in life, but anyone can fall into a rage. In short, hurricaning is bad for the body physically and destructive to a happy home life. I remember moving out at the age of eighteen, looking around my little rent house and thinking, “Peace and quiet—finally.” My mom and I were only able to know each other on a surface level because as a young person I could not feel safe to confide in her. When my father followed suit, hurricaning when I applied to an out of state college, my response was to move out of our home, fearful that I would never know safety if I didn't. Confidence in a relationship is based upon a healthy mutuality and a sense of safety. We want our children and spouse to respect us, but how we go about earning that respect will determine the health of our relationship.

Truthfully, it takes time to build a relationship. It takes two parties walking in agreement. Getting our kids to sign on is reliant on our pursuit of mutuality and that means changing the language we use to motivate others to invest in our missions. I have one last caboose in my life, my teenage son. I was justifying the friction between us by saying that his testosterone was getting the best of him—and that is true. But God tapped me one day when I was sort of grumbling about him in prayer. He asked me to consider why I was so troubled. I knew why—I’m afraid he’ll make a poor choice at the precipice of adulthood that will take years to undo. The keyword, God showed me, was “afraid.” He gave me a new benevolent tool--communicating out of my beliefs instead of my fears. The next morning on the way to school instead of nagging him and then both of us losing our temper, I reworded what I wanted to say to him out of my beliefs instead of my fears. To do that, I had to know in advance what I believed. It changed the entire mood and my tone. We were laughing and chatting like two adults when he got out of the car and went into his school. By refocusing my platform, I killed the hurricane.

The hard part is doing that every day with my child, my husband, the people who work alongside me in ministry. That will require prayer and my surrendering what I feel is right for my relationships back to God—and that means reconciling myself to mutuality with God

Know Thyself

A friend and I were recently discussing how God reshapes us. He takes the hats we once wore, like the disciples who once wore fishing hats, and replaces them with hats of his design. I was once a D.C. property manager, managing a staff of 18, rehabbing a high rise in Bethesda when God tapped my husband and me for ministry.

Once I had committed to the call, I could not wait to be known for something other than a landlord. Defining the new Patty Hickman was now being placed in God’s hands. But there were bumps in the road. There were family members who disagreed with our decision to follow Christ in full time ministry. At the outset, they seemed concerned. But over time, I came to realize how they depended on me for emotional support. In short, my focus was being taken off of them and placed on Christ. The response was anger and even hostility.

Why was it important for me to be able to define who I was? If I hadn’t of known, then the old ropes that started tugging on me to draw me back into codependency would have succeeded and my full life of ministry would have been interrupted. I had to learn to know when I could effectively help my emotionally troubled family and when it was time to refer them to experts.

When a troubled person calls me for support, there are numerous hats I could put on. But I ask myself first, “Is this my hat?” As a believer who has known suffering, there are hats that I can expertly wear. I can encourage a mother who has lost a child because I’ve walked that road. I can teach emerging writers how to navigate the maze of publishing because I’m a career novelist and writing teacher. But I have to guard my time, so I teach only at agreed upon workshops.

Every opportunity that presents itself may be a true need, but trying to respond to every needy call will leave you empty and exhausted. You’ll look up and realize that you no longer have the life you dream you’d have because you’re walking in lockstep only to the crisis of others. The only cure is in your hands—look at the hat and ask, “Is this really my hat?”

Remember that resources are readily at your disposal. Here are some scenarios that we face continually in the ministry:
• If your friend or family member is threatening suicide, then you don’t need to cover that up. That’s far too great a risk for one person to handle alone. Call for emergency assistance. Let the experts decide whether or not this person needs to be kept for observation. Respond immediately.

• If a friend is going through a divorce, that is a one time crisis. You can be a source of comfort and let them know that you and other friends are going to pray for them and help them find support. DivorceShare groups are all over the country now. Help her find a group.

• If you receive a call from someone who has repeatedly taken illegal drugs or medicates using alcohol and other drugs, support from experts is needed. Finding the right support is the most difficult part of the process. If the person does not want expert help, but they’re continuing to run to you to make them feel better about themselves, refuse comfort and tell them you can’t help them unless they submit to professional counsel.

If you continually see a gap in the ministry or local church, perhaps God is showing you that gap because he wants you to stand in it. Perhaps he’s calling you to pray. If he wants you to take it further than prayer, he will let you know and show you how to accomplish good works in his time and way and through his power.

A New Way of Giving

As a child taught to be a caretaker, giving came naturally to me. Giving comes naturally to most women. So if we serve a family member who seems to be more needy than others, requiring more time of us than others require, we give because we know how. But learning when to give and assessing how our giving is used is just as artful as not broadcasting ourselves all over every inch of our needy world.

There’s no doubt that most women know how to give. We give to our husbands, our children, our churches, and our jobs. We devote extra time to the promotion of civic and school organizations, helping sell Girl Scout cookies, volunteering at book drives, serving on committees, and helping with the formation of good works. Then we give to needs on the home front, especially when we have a family member who cannot seem to get over the next hill; even worse, he or she keeps taking the same hill over and over.

I’m not talking about family members who have special needs such as my precious nephew born with Downs. I’m talking about aiding a family member who has never grown up and accepted responsibility for his or her own life. For years I was bogged down in trying to help family members who would not help themselves but allowed me to serve them even though my efforts were not appreciated. Nor was I effective. They did not grow or change. Knowing when to hold back and allow a person to drop to the bottom is as important as knowing when to help a person going through a temporary setback.

In sucking relationships, the tendency is to believe that by trying harder we’ll improve the person. We coax, prod, advise, provide emergency funds, weekend getaways, more counsel, midnight vigils and yet, after months drag on, the situation has not improved. Our emotional firefighting has done nothing but leave us exhausted, like a person fighting the California fires alone.

You hear the same tapes being played over and over again. I can’t cope . . . My children are never going to obey me . . . no matter where I work, I always get a bad boss . . . women don’t understand my sensitive nature . . . I’m never going to get out of debt. You find yourself thinking about this person obsessively; their life has seeped in and taken over your’s. If this has happened, let the warning bell sound. You may be on the road to codependency.

But there are steps you can take to back away before your life is smothered by another person’s eternal crisis. This week’s blog theme is all about the fine art of giving relationally. Stay tuned, post your own thoughts, and take a moment to pray and ask God how He wants you to spend your time and your giving. If you have a prayer request, please let it be known and those who visit here can join me in praying for you. If you have a friend whose life is being drained by a relative, a grown child, a spouse, or even a passive-aggressive employer, have them drop by this week for a dialogue on the fine art of healthy caretaking.

Hugs, dear friend.

Kiva and Planning for Simplicity

Randy came across a website called Kiva where individuals may make loans to people in emerging countries who use the funds to start their own small businesses. This is a win-win situation. The loan program is highly successful and contributes to the sustainability of impoverished individuals who do not want a hand-out but want to make it on their own.

Randy and I are working toward being entirely debt free this year so that we can give to these kinds of causes and other ministries. I’ll talk more about that as our plans progress. I met a fellow a few years ago at a Thomas Nelson banquet who was pitching his program and book, The Total Money Make-Over. Dave Ramsey is very down-to-earth and his materials are so easy to understand. We’ll let you know how our money make-over works out.

We’re planning on buying a small cottage that we can make-over into some really great intimate work and relax areas. Our home is a really nice home but it has a lot of unused space especially since our caboose is headed for college in the fall. We’ve been studying a book called The Not So Big House. The concept is to buy small and then expand the spaces into really great living spaces that function specifically for you and your family. For instance, we seldom use a formal dining area and we never use a formal living room. But we’d love a cozy reading area with natural light that overlooks a garden. People who adopt this lifestyle are called cultural creatives. We don’t know if we fit the type, but we are looking forward to being completely debt free and living in a home that suits us and our scaled down lives.

Messing Up is Good

A new year causes us to think of new endeavors, or finishing the new ones we started last year. I have a list too. But I woke up wondering what causes us to stop our work. Often, when we stall out we can trace it back to a couple of practices that, when eliminated, could turn some of our failures into successes.

There are women who walk up to me at church and say, “God told me to pray about how to reach out to others. Then I thought about you, how you would be so good at it. So here—you take it and run with it.”

The number one reason for not finishing a good work is fear and its second cousin, comparisons. We first realize a need or a desire, but then mentally leaping to see it to completion, we get bogged down in the worry of trying to make it too successful too fast. Keeping our eyes on big ministry leaders may cause believers to feel inadequate because we’re comparing ourselves to someone whose path is not our path. Besides, a little bible study will prove to you that it’s in the smallness of your life that God works. Rom. 12 teaches us to be living sacrifices to God. V. 16 says, "Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble."

Then there’s the pit of the affirmation addict.

I found a quiet hybrid breed of dog I would like to own. It’s a small hypoallergenic dog that is content to sit quietly in my lap as I write. I found a breeder and then began talking to my dog loving friends about their pets. A pastor’s wife and friend named Jamie has a Maltese mix that adores her. When we all met one evening in a pedestrian village near our home, Jamie’s daughter was bringing her the family dog she had watched that night for Jamie. When the dog saw her, he began leaping straight up in the air with glee.
I said to Jamie, “That’s what I really want—affirmation.”
If our plans are rooted in affirmation instead of a desire to seek God, disappointment often follows. In the first place, most people we help in ministry never return to thank us. Remember when Jesus healed ten lepers? Only one returned to thank him. These men's lives were changed forever, but still they leaped away already selfishly planning what they would do with their newly endowed health, rather than asking God what he might ask of them. But Jesus didn't do it for the affirmation. He was one with the Father and acted according to what the boss told him to do.

There are writers who conference-hop seeking affirmation rather than the much needed critique. The same is true of women or men who daydream about leading a wildly successful ministry rather than developing a plan for a ministry that would bring benefits readily on a local scale. The problem is that when affirmation does not come pouring in, the idea is pitched as a pipedream. Fantasies are dangerous landscapes of the mind. They create mindsets that will derail a calling quickly.

Henry Ford once said, "Obstacles are those frightful things you can see when you take your eyes off your goal."

When Peter took his eyes off the Goal--Jesus--he sank!
So stay steady and maintain a ready arsenal of faith. You have another 365 days to get it wrong before you finally get it right. Getting it wrong is half the fun of experimenting with new endeavors.

Happy Do-Overs

We’re in that funny little place we get in each year when the year is nearly finished. Here in the South, it’s the commencement of our true winter, a season of blooming pansies and light dustings of snow, at least down in the foothills. It’s a time when I assess the year, beating myself up because my bottom line has not moved an inch. I brace for winter and a new year and somehow hope surfaces. It’s the season of do-overs and bowl games, winter beginnings and sports endings shaking hands.

I pray your new beginnings, in spite of your bottom line, is powdered with snow and hope and football and faith. Toast and awaken and come alive to the fact that God’s still pondering you and what he might do with you next. You’re in his hands and that’s a reason to throw a party and kiss your friends' ruddy cheeks. You are dearly loved, appreciated, and prayed over by this southern author. Happy New Year, friends!

A Friend Through All Seasons

If you have a friend who is suffering the sorrow of loss through the holidays, you might be feeling a little outside the loop, not knowing what to do or say. That is a normal response, but a better response is that of being a proactive friend during the season that changes all seasons. Today's blog post, the third posting on this theme, is for you. If you don't have a friend experiencing sorrow through the holidays, chances are you will eventually. So printing off these thoughts and saving them for later may serve as a lifeline of comfort sooner or later. Feel free to post questions or ideas that have worked for you or if feel a little wobbly about helping your friend during his/her sacred season of loss. Here goes:

If Your Friend is Recovering From Loss:
• If your friend is grieving through the holidays, she probably won’t tell you what she needs because she is most likely in shock. It’s best to make specific appointments to drop by to clean up her kitchen or bathroom. Even if you tell her to call you if she needs anything, be assured that she won’t call and won’t ask. She's too numb and may assume you’re saying that to be polite.

• Remember that children often don’t know how to express loss. Asking them to draw a picture of their loved one or writing a letter will help them to begin to cope with the loss and to elicit happy memories of their loved one.

• Gender affects how people grieve. Men may tamp down worse than women—the bleaker pain resurfaces when tamped down. Husbands and wives or mothers and fathers should offer a generous amount of grace for those who grieve differently from them or seem to be taking longer to get through the stages of grief.

• Kindly refrain from telling a grieving person that they need closure. There’s no closure until we’re reunited with our loved ones in the afterlife. Instead of using meaningless “happy affirmations” or clichés, simply weep with them without commentary or being a “Job’s Friend.” Sharing tears is a sacred rite of true friendship. Knowing when to fall quiet and listen is a gift.

• If your friend is grieving through the holidays, a phone call or a note in the mail trumps a million Christmas gifts. But one day out of the blue, I received an unexpected express shipped package. In it was a container of Mac eye makeup. A friend had sent it along with a very sweet note and a Winans worship CD. She had taken me once for a Mac make-over and it was her way of remembering the afternoon we had shared. Gestures of love don’t have to cost a lot. It’s the time you take to do them that will mean the most to your friend.

• My dear writer friend Lawana Blackwell asked me Jessi’s birthday at the funeral. It was an odd question at the time. But she wrote it down. She calls me every year on Jessi’s birthday to check on me. Remembering an anniversary date—the birthday, the date of loss, marriage anniversary—is another sacred day you can do something meaningful for your friend.

I'm indebted to my friends who thought that what they were offering me wasn't enough, but it was exactly what I needed or what Randy needed. We live in a world of excess, so the simplicity of small gestures is lost in the noise. God's extravagant love is poured through us and out onto others like perfectly aged wine. A glass of it is all you need.